Reflecting... 20 Years Ago

At church tonight, our minister encouraged us to think back to when we gave our lives to Christ. It's been a while since I've thought back to that time of my life, so I thought I'd indulge in a little reflecting and reminiscing.

I grew up going to church. I always believed that I would go to heaven because I went to church and was basically a good person. But really, I didn't give it much thought. Church was just something I did because my family went and that's what you did.

Then, when I was 15, my friend Rachel brought me along to a Student Venture meeting. They shared with us that none of us deserve to go to heaven--because, no matter how "good" we are, we can never measure up to perfection, and that's what the requirements are. And yeah, that was certainly true for me. Although I was basically a good kid, I did things, said things, and--most of all--thought things that weren't right, and I knew it. Thankfully, they also shared with us that Jesus paid that price for us by dying, and then beat death by rising again. He did it because He loves us, and all we have to do is accept the gift He's offering us.

And even though I hadn't been searching for Him, even though I hadn't realized there was something missing in my life prior to that moment, somehow my heart just opened up to that message, and right then and there I commited to live for Christ. I don't think I really knew what a momentous decision was at the time; I just knew that I wanted to respond to that kind of love.

As the next few weeks and months passed, I learned more about the decision I had made. That now I could have a relationship with Jesus. It had nothing to do with following rules or not being able to do certain things; it was about the God who created the universe, who loved me enough--to die for me, yes, but also to care about me and my little bitty life. That thought never fails to astonish me, and it's been 20 years.

Those who knew me then might remember a not-so-pleasant part of this change of my life--yes, I could be judgmental and legalistic. I am a rule-follower, and at 15, everything still looks black and white. As time wears on, I mature, and hopefully people who know me think of me as someone who loves Jesus and is trying to do my best to follow Him, rather than... well, rather than anything else, I guess!

But there were other changes. I have always struggled with self-worth, and because of that, was a shy, reserved person. (Ok, ok, somebody's going to call me on this--when I was comfortable, I could also be accused of being loud, but yes, I was still shy!) I walked around with this feeling in the pit of my stomach, that if people really knew me, they wouldn't like me. So I tried to be what everyone else wanted me to be. But as I grew in my relationship with Jesus, I felt that slowly start to chip away. No one would ever know me like He does, and yet He loves me more than I can imagine. I started to become more confident in who I was in Him.

Another change was a change of focus. Like most 15-year-olds, I was very self-centered. Looking at Jesus' example helped me to begin (this is definitely something I still struggle with) putting others' needs before my own. At that point, even getting my mind off my own problems and noticing that others had them was a big deal!

Almost all of the sins I've struggled with in my life are internal, so it's easy to create the illusion that I'm "good." But the truth is, I struggle just as much as someone with a more "outward" sin. As much as I allow Him to, by spending time in prayer and reflection and reading his Word, He helps me to become more like Him. And that's what I want. I want my life to be characterized by love, selflessness and generosity. Without Him, I am none of those things--especially selfless. I pray that this year will be at least one step closer to that.

More Changes

Wow. It's been a whole year since my first and only post. Well, let's pick up where I left off, eh?

At this time last year, I was praying for change in my life. I was hoping for a new job... that, or the opportunity to stay home with my boys. It has always been my dream and desire to stay home, but it hasn't been a possibility for us thus far.

As it turned out, God provided me with a new job, one where my whole focus is teaching kids to read. I love it. I truly do. My professional life is far more peaceful than it had been, and this job requires skills that are much more suited to me.

There's only one problem. I still am not home with my boys. I feel like I'm constantly running, running, running; not really doing any thing well. Life is going far too quickly, and I don't have time for the most important things.

So, with budget cut talks circling my new district, again I've been praying for God's guidance, and the possibility of staying home. Sometimes I just don't understand; I mean, why wouldn't God want me to stay at home with my kids? Isn't that what He would want? Especially if it's something I want?

And then, recently, a comment made to me regarding someone else's life really hit me: could this just be one of those things in life, where I don't get everything I want, no matter how good of a thing it is? The thorn in my side? For some reason, it was a huge revelation to me. Of course, I always knew it was a possibility that I wouldn't be able to stay home, but for some reason this seemed different.

I know women who are praying for a husband, couples who are desperately hoping to have children, those who are in need of healing, people who are unemployed... many issues more difficult that mine. God never promised us everything we ever wanted. He didn't promise happiness; he promised peace and joy, and a relationship with Him.

The truth is, I have no idea what's in store for my family and me. For now, I have a family whom I love, a schedule where I get to spend holidays and summers (mostly) with them, good friends, a job I enjoy, a steady paycheck, benefits, and retirement. Many things to be thankful for. I can't say my desire to stay home has changed, but I think that's ok. I will probably keep asking God for what I want--He knows I what I want anyway--but always knowing that, no matter His answer, He loves me and is giving me what He knows is best for me.

I will trust Him. He's always been faithful; why should I expect anything different in my life?