I'm NOT Good, Part I

My whole life, I've been the "good kid." A stereotypical first-born rule follower, I never caused too much trouble at home or at school. I never wanted to make any waves. My goal in life both as a kid and a young adult was to stay under the radar--not draw any unnecessary attention (good or bad) to myself.

Part of this is shyness. Part of it is uncertainty, lack of self-confidence. I hate standing up in front of adults and speaking. 

But the biggest part of this is people-pleasing. I never want to make anyone unhappy, and the best way to make everyone happy is to be good, right? 

"Wrong, of course!" you say. And I know this in my head. But somehow, I find myself struggling to break free of these constraints that I have placed on myself. Not only that, but sometimes I try to put these contraints on other people, in fear that they will upset someone or make them think we're not good. (My poor husband!) 

So here's my big, shocking confession: I AM NOT GOOD. Truly, I am not. I think bad thoughts. I love gossip, even though I know I should hate it.  I am selfish and self-centered. I see ways I could help people and I freeze. Or, even worse,  I ignore. I am impatient. The list could go on and on. 

Now, you probably aren't really shocked at this confession of mine. I know my dear husband is not! ;) But I need to make it anyway. 

I need to confess this because if I am truly going to break out of my people-pleasing ways, I'm probably going to disappoint you in some way. I might make you mad. I might offend you. Not on purpose, of course, but because when we're real, sometimes we disagree on things, and sometimes people get offended. (But--soapbox here--guess what? I can disagree with people AND STILL LOVE THEM. STILL BE FRIENDS WITH THEM. Shocking, right? Ok, stepping off.) 

But, more importantly, I need to confess this because if I am truly good on my own, then my faith means nothing. Really. Squat. Nada.  Rien. Zip. Zilch. If I am good, then what do I need from God? If I am good on my own, then I can get myself to Heaven. Right?  But no matter how many people tell me I'm a "good person" or "nice," I know in my heart it's a big, fat lie. I know myself. I know how many times I say or do something I shouldn't. Even more often, I know how many times I fail to do or say something I should. All. The. Time. Everyday. I fail everyday. No matter how I try to hide it or excuse it (and I'm pretty darn good at justifying), I know the truth.

Which is why I need help. I can't be good enough on my own. Thankfully, THANKFULLY, Jesus--unbelievably, the Son of God--chose to die for ME because He knew I couldn't do it on my own. And for that I am eternally humbled and grateful. 

Life Is Hard, blah, blah, blah!

"Life is hard." A cliche, I know. And something that I knew in my head, but truly hadn't experienced in my heart yet. Or at least, not to the extent that I have in the past year.

I fully admit that I've lived a sheltered life. I've gone through some pretty tough things, but nothing that has shaken my world or made me truly question my faith. I've always been able to work through the tough things with relative ease (even if it didn't feel like it at the time).

But for a little over a year now, life has been tough. Though there have been no tragedies and no death (thankfully), it's been the hardest time frame of our marriage. Job stuff, house stuff, financial stuff--it's all been hit.

I'll talk about more of that in future posts (I hope--trying to get into a routine here), but in this post I want to try to tackle prayer. Specifically, when God says no.

I have no problem with the idea of God saying no when you ask for something that's not good for you. Having to go to college where you really don't want to (but then later you meet your future spouse through people you meet). A relationship with someone you REALLY want to marry (only to discover later, that you were never in love and there was someone much better suited for you out there. Some kind of "stuff" that would put you in some kind of danger (fast car, a house with too big of a mortgage, I don't know?). We can't always see it at the time, but I truly believe He works through those things.

But what about when He says no to justice? I mean, justice is always right. Right?

Last summer, we prayed for God to make a situation right. For truth to prevail. For the innocent to be restored.

But He said no.

He said no, and a shadow of a lie followed us for a year. It led to fear, frustration, and shame. We didn't understand WHY He would say no. And, truthfully, we still don't.

So, we had a choice. God didn't answer our prayer. We could choose to believe that meant that He didn't love us, He'd forgotten about us, He wasn't real, etc., etc. We could get angry and bitter. Or, we could choose to believe that He is who He says He is, that He knows better than us, and that He is doing some work that we can't even see right now.

It. Was. Hard. Like, rip off an appendage hard. I mean, I know God doesn't answer yes to all our prayers. But that's, like, when I ask for us to win a million dollars in a contest. I don't actually NEED that million dollars, and clearly He knows I'd spend it all and become frivolous and superficial and whatever. Or for that kid who prayed for a new bike. Or if someone prayed for something immoral, or vengeful to happen.I mean, that's not how God works, is it? You can't expect Him to answer when you're asking for the wrong thing!

But it's different when you're asking for the RIGHT thing! Right?

Wrong. Apparently.

We did not like that answer.  At. All.

So. That choice. What were we going to do? We chose to believe that He is who He says He is. He is love. He is just. He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. He will never leave us or forsake us. HE KNOWS BETTER THAN WE DO. God works for the good of those who love Him.

It wasn't an easy choice, because we didn't FEEL it. We didn't FEEL like He was working for our good. So, day by day, hour by hour, even minute by minute, we had to make that choice. A choice to believe that He knows what is best for us and will turn this yucky situation into something good for us. When all the worldly evidence says otherwise, it was HARD.

But, oh, so rewarding. THAT is how I found peace in troubled times. Not because everything was good or over, but because I really do believe that God is who He says He is. Even when it's hard. Even when I don't understand. I can choose to believe that He loves me, that He hasn't left me, and that somehow, He is working for the good.

(Disclaimer: I don't want to miss out on giving Him the praise for what He HAS already done. He HAS worked in this situation. It could have been much worse. It could have ended in court, lawyers, innocence being proven guilty, financial straits... and I thank God for keeping us out of all that. But He did not answer our prayers the way we THOUGHT He would.)


Matthew 21:22 And all things, whatever you shall ask in prayer, believing, you shall receive.