I'm NOT Good, Part I

My whole life, I've been the "good kid." A stereotypical first-born rule follower, I never caused too much trouble at home or at school. I never wanted to make any waves. My goal in life both as a kid and a young adult was to stay under the radar--not draw any unnecessary attention (good or bad) to myself.

Part of this is shyness. Part of it is uncertainty, lack of self-confidence. I hate standing up in front of adults and speaking. 

But the biggest part of this is people-pleasing. I never want to make anyone unhappy, and the best way to make everyone happy is to be good, right? 

"Wrong, of course!" you say. And I know this in my head. But somehow, I find myself struggling to break free of these constraints that I have placed on myself. Not only that, but sometimes I try to put these contraints on other people, in fear that they will upset someone or make them think we're not good. (My poor husband!) 

So here's my big, shocking confession: I AM NOT GOOD. Truly, I am not. I think bad thoughts. I love gossip, even though I know I should hate it.  I am selfish and self-centered. I see ways I could help people and I freeze. Or, even worse,  I ignore. I am impatient. The list could go on and on. 

Now, you probably aren't really shocked at this confession of mine. I know my dear husband is not! ;) But I need to make it anyway. 

I need to confess this because if I am truly going to break out of my people-pleasing ways, I'm probably going to disappoint you in some way. I might make you mad. I might offend you. Not on purpose, of course, but because when we're real, sometimes we disagree on things, and sometimes people get offended. (But--soapbox here--guess what? I can disagree with people AND STILL LOVE THEM. STILL BE FRIENDS WITH THEM. Shocking, right? Ok, stepping off.) 

But, more importantly, I need to confess this because if I am truly good on my own, then my faith means nothing. Really. Squat. Nada.  Rien. Zip. Zilch. If I am good, then what do I need from God? If I am good on my own, then I can get myself to Heaven. Right?  But no matter how many people tell me I'm a "good person" or "nice," I know in my heart it's a big, fat lie. I know myself. I know how many times I say or do something I shouldn't. Even more often, I know how many times I fail to do or say something I should. All. The. Time. Everyday. I fail everyday. No matter how I try to hide it or excuse it (and I'm pretty darn good at justifying), I know the truth.

Which is why I need help. I can't be good enough on my own. Thankfully, THANKFULLY, Jesus--unbelievably, the Son of God--chose to die for ME because He knew I couldn't do it on my own. And for that I am eternally humbled and grateful.