I'm NOT Good, Part I

My whole life, I've been the "good kid." A stereotypical first-born rule follower, I never caused too much trouble at home or at school. I never wanted to make any waves. My goal in life both as a kid and a young adult was to stay under the radar--not draw any unnecessary attention (good or bad) to myself.

Part of this is shyness. Part of it is uncertainty, lack of self-confidence. I hate standing up in front of adults and speaking. 

But the biggest part of this is people-pleasing. I never want to make anyone unhappy, and the best way to make everyone happy is to be good, right? 

"Wrong, of course!" you say. And I know this in my head. But somehow, I find myself struggling to break free of these constraints that I have placed on myself. Not only that, but sometimes I try to put these contraints on other people, in fear that they will upset someone or make them think we're not good. (My poor husband!) 

So here's my big, shocking confession: I AM NOT GOOD. Truly, I am not. I think bad thoughts. I love gossip, even though I know I should hate it.  I am selfish and self-centered. I see ways I could help people and I freeze. Or, even worse,  I ignore. I am impatient. The list could go on and on. 

Now, you probably aren't really shocked at this confession of mine. I know my dear husband is not! ;) But I need to make it anyway. 

I need to confess this because if I am truly going to break out of my people-pleasing ways, I'm probably going to disappoint you in some way. I might make you mad. I might offend you. Not on purpose, of course, but because when we're real, sometimes we disagree on things, and sometimes people get offended. (But--soapbox here--guess what? I can disagree with people AND STILL LOVE THEM. STILL BE FRIENDS WITH THEM. Shocking, right? Ok, stepping off.) 

But, more importantly, I need to confess this because if I am truly good on my own, then my faith means nothing. Really. Squat. Nada.  Rien. Zip. Zilch. If I am good, then what do I need from God? If I am good on my own, then I can get myself to Heaven. Right?  But no matter how many people tell me I'm a "good person" or "nice," I know in my heart it's a big, fat lie. I know myself. I know how many times I say or do something I shouldn't. Even more often, I know how many times I fail to do or say something I should. All. The. Time. Everyday. I fail everyday. No matter how I try to hide it or excuse it (and I'm pretty darn good at justifying), I know the truth.

Which is why I need help. I can't be good enough on my own. Thankfully, THANKFULLY, Jesus--unbelievably, the Son of God--chose to die for ME because He knew I couldn't do it on my own. And for that I am eternally humbled and grateful. 

Life Is Hard, blah, blah, blah!

"Life is hard." A cliche, I know. And something that I knew in my head, but truly hadn't experienced in my heart yet. Or at least, not to the extent that I have in the past year.

I fully admit that I've lived a sheltered life. I've gone through some pretty tough things, but nothing that has shaken my world or made me truly question my faith. I've always been able to work through the tough things with relative ease (even if it didn't feel like it at the time).

But for a little over a year now, life has been tough. Though there have been no tragedies and no death (thankfully), it's been the hardest time frame of our marriage. Job stuff, house stuff, financial stuff--it's all been hit.

I'll talk about more of that in future posts (I hope--trying to get into a routine here), but in this post I want to try to tackle prayer. Specifically, when God says no.

I have no problem with the idea of God saying no when you ask for something that's not good for you. Having to go to college where you really don't want to (but then later you meet your future spouse through people you meet). A relationship with someone you REALLY want to marry (only to discover later, that you were never in love and there was someone much better suited for you out there. Some kind of "stuff" that would put you in some kind of danger (fast car, a house with too big of a mortgage, I don't know?). We can't always see it at the time, but I truly believe He works through those things.

But what about when He says no to justice? I mean, justice is always right. Right?

Last summer, we prayed for God to make a situation right. For truth to prevail. For the innocent to be restored.

But He said no.

He said no, and a shadow of a lie followed us for a year. It led to fear, frustration, and shame. We didn't understand WHY He would say no. And, truthfully, we still don't.

So, we had a choice. God didn't answer our prayer. We could choose to believe that meant that He didn't love us, He'd forgotten about us, He wasn't real, etc., etc. We could get angry and bitter. Or, we could choose to believe that He is who He says He is, that He knows better than us, and that He is doing some work that we can't even see right now.

It. Was. Hard. Like, rip off an appendage hard. I mean, I know God doesn't answer yes to all our prayers. But that's, like, when I ask for us to win a million dollars in a contest. I don't actually NEED that million dollars, and clearly He knows I'd spend it all and become frivolous and superficial and whatever. Or for that kid who prayed for a new bike. Or if someone prayed for something immoral, or vengeful to happen.I mean, that's not how God works, is it? You can't expect Him to answer when you're asking for the wrong thing!

But it's different when you're asking for the RIGHT thing! Right?

Wrong. Apparently.

We did not like that answer.  At. All.

So. That choice. What were we going to do? We chose to believe that He is who He says He is. He is love. He is just. He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. He will never leave us or forsake us. HE KNOWS BETTER THAN WE DO. God works for the good of those who love Him.

It wasn't an easy choice, because we didn't FEEL it. We didn't FEEL like He was working for our good. So, day by day, hour by hour, even minute by minute, we had to make that choice. A choice to believe that He knows what is best for us and will turn this yucky situation into something good for us. When all the worldly evidence says otherwise, it was HARD.

But, oh, so rewarding. THAT is how I found peace in troubled times. Not because everything was good or over, but because I really do believe that God is who He says He is. Even when it's hard. Even when I don't understand. I can choose to believe that He loves me, that He hasn't left me, and that somehow, He is working for the good.

(Disclaimer: I don't want to miss out on giving Him the praise for what He HAS already done. He HAS worked in this situation. It could have been much worse. It could have ended in court, lawyers, innocence being proven guilty, financial straits... and I thank God for keeping us out of all that. But He did not answer our prayers the way we THOUGHT He would.)


Matthew 21:22 And all things, whatever you shall ask in prayer, believing, you shall receive.

Our Whole 30 Challenge

In April, Randy and I participated in the Whole 30 challenge (Whole 30 Challenge). It was kind of a fluke; one of my FB friends posted about it and I was curious. I looked it up, and saw it was a way to “reset” your body from any damage certain foods might be causing in your body. To that end, you give up all grains, dairy, sugar, alcohol, as well as certain chemicals in food. (MSG, sulfites, etc.) I think we were both ready for some kind of challenge, so we thought, “Hey, let’s try it!”

Although I’d never heard of Whole 30 before, I’d of course heard about low-carb diets, and never gave much credit to them. But the more I’ve been reading about GMO, “wheat belly,” and the like, I started to wonder. I have some undiagnosed digestive/stomach issues, so one of my reasons for doing this was to see if there is any improvement. There have been many people who have also experienced a great increase in energy, better sleep, and better-looking skin. Some even say it has helped with children on the autism spectrum, as well as people with diabetes, high blood pressure, and a host of other medical issues.

I’d always thought giving up breads, pastas, and cheese would be IMPOSSIBLE. I love all those things. The weird thing is, it really wasn’t hard. The only time I experienced any kind of craving for those is if I saw it and smelled it (which wasn’t often, since we didn’t have anything like that in our house during the challenge). Even then, it wasn’t too much of a challenge—I kept thinking, “It’s just for 30 days!” and that helped. The focus of this challenge isn’t so much what you can’t eat; rather, eating more of the good stuff (veggies, fruit, high-quality meat, healthy fats).

Another reason this has been so easy is that we have been eating SO WELL! In the 30 days, we tried right around 25 new recipes, and almost all of them turned out GREAT. Our favorites were sundried tomato basil meatballs, pistachio pesto chicken “pasta,”

chicken fajitas, and apple mustard turkey burgers. Breakfasts now look very different as well. One morning Randy made some yummy omelettes with tomatoes, bell peppers and avocado.

This week we tried a breakfast casserole with eggs, homemade turkey sausage, spinach, portobella mushrooms, and sundried tomatoes. We were surprised at how YUMMY this was!

It took a lot of work to plan and prepare all these meals, but thankfully Randy and I make a good team, and each shouldered some of the work.

I have always been a relatively picky eater, so the focus on eating lots of veggies was daunting. I have always been lucky if I get 1 or 2 veggies in a day. Now I try to eat at least 2 different kinds at each meal. If you know me, you know how HUGE this is! Again, I have found some great recipes to prepare these strange, new veggies (kale chips right out of the oven is one of my faves). I also have a passion for avocadoes, bell peppers, and sweet potatoes—and I have been buying all these in bulk. ;)

Results, you ask? Well, I did see a little improvement with my stomach issues, although it’s inconsistent so it’s hard to tell, and at times I had more energy. I lost a respectable 6 pounds. My clothes are fitting better. More importantly, I completed a challenge and found out that something I thought was IMPOSSIBLE really wasn’t! It is always fun to complete a challenge with Randy—gives us common goals and conversation topics that don’t include our kids or work. J

Speaking of Randy, he is the one with the major results. He lost 8 pounds and there is a noticeable difference in his ab definition. More amazingly, he gone from 3 or 4 sodas a day (and I’m not talking about the 12 oz can, either) to none without a single issue. No sweet tea, no candy, no beer. No problem! He is sleeping better than ever, waking up (early!) naturally with ENERGY out the wazoo. His skin is clearer and his heartburn hasn’t been bothering him. The coolest thing is that it helped him see how strong (mentally as well as physically) he is. He has transformed in the last 30 days, and I am not using that term lightly.

We have enjoyed it so much, we plan to continue. We will allow ourselves some “nutritional off-roading” (as Dallas and Melissa Hartwig call it) from time to time, but plan to continue to eat like this on a regular basis.

Summer

I have always loved summer. Every kid loves summer, of course, and I was no different. As the years have passed, I have grown to appreciate our beautiful fall weather (rather than seeing it as the prelude to the COLD winter), and of course spring is lovely as well.

I've never lost my love for summer, though. I love not needing a jacket, being in the sun, and all the  outdoor activities around town. We love to go peach picking, swimming, and just playing in the backyard. No, I don't love walking into the "wall of humidity" that our lovely city sometimes presents to us--but I'd still rather have that "can barely breathe" feeling than be in the cold!

As a teacher, of course, I have an extra incentive to love summer. Although I am teaching summer school this year, it's only in June, only half days, and then I get July off (back to school in early August these days--the days of 3 months of summer are behind us).

I love having more time, more lazy days, more days of adventure with the family. I'm not rushing around every morning like a madwoman, trying to get everything ready for school. And then again in the evening, trying to fit in dinner, clean up, reading time, bath time and bed time--not to mention meetings, Bible study, and kids' activities. I can actually relax and play on weekends, rather than rushing around trying to do all the laundry and clean the house, plus run errands, only to be exhausted Sunday night, wondering where my weekend went.

I can go places with my family. I can stop whatever I'm doing when my sons want to play a game or read a book. I can sit and have a conversation with my husband. I can read a book. I'm more relaxed, less stressed, and more willing to be spontaneous.

I feel like ME!

Twilight Theology? (spoiler alert....)

Yes, I am a Twilight fan. I know, I'm 35 years old, not 17. But clearly, there is a widespread appeal to these books that goes beyond vampire fascination (of which I have very little) and teenage love.

One of the aspects of these books that resonated with me was Bella's feeling of not fitting in with her peers. She was clumsy, she wasn't worried about all the high school "stuff" that her classmates were, she didn't having any particular talents. She just felt different. Those ideas were pervasive through the series, attributes that made her feel alone and separate from others.

In many ways, that could have described me at that age as well. I was definitely clumsy--my friends and family are always ready to tell a story illustrating that point! I am thankful to have always had friends and family who cared about me. But on a private, personal level, as a teenager I never felt like I completely fit in. I wasn't really, really good at anything. No particular talents or abilities. I did pretty well in school, but I definitely wasn't anywhere near the top of my class. I liked to sing, but I wasn't good enough to do a solo--not that my shyness would have ever allowed me to do so anyway. Nothing I did really stood out, and deep down I think I was afraid to stand out, because I was afraid of what people would see in me. I would periodically go through times of deep sadness, feeling alone and lonely. Feeling like nobody really knew me, and afraid that if anyone would ever get to know the real me--they would no longer want to know me.

So as I read Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse, I felt a connection with Bella. The first half of Breaking Dawn was hard to read, but when it came to the second half--it was glorious to me. (Here's the spoiler part, if there's anyone left who doesn't know what happens!) Bella finds that not only is she beautiful, strong, and good at... yes, at being a vampire...but she also has powerful abilities that save her family and friends (and give us a happy ending). She finally fits in. She has several things in which she excels. She is able to be with the one she loves and experience everything she's ever wanted to experience. It was a very satisfying ending for me. I'm a sucker for happy endings anyway, no pun intended. ;)

Yes, I realize this is fiction. Written for teenagers. About vampires and werewolves. But I also see a deeper meaning within the pages. To me, this is a picture of heaven. On earth, sure, we have wonderful experiences and happiness and joy. But we also have pain and heartache and death. We don't fit in. We wonder how bad things can happen to good people. We watch the news and ask ourselves how people could commit crimes against innocent children, women, and men. We get tired of fighting and bickering, and wonder, "Why can't we all just get along?"

But in Heaven...and I'm not talking about a place where we'll go sit on a cloud, play a harp and be good forever. Who wants that, really? I'm talking about a place where we will have the wonderful joys and happiness without the shadows that take away from those things now. No tears, no death, no evil. We will have a purpose--work that we love, that will fulfill us. We will have love--pure, unconditional love--that will be like nothing else we've ever experienced. There will be no possibility of being hurt, so there will be no need to hold back. We will all fit in, because we will be where we were created to be. We will be fully known, and fully loved, and we will fully understand the implications of that. And all of our earthly struggles will somehow, supernaturally, be made right.

So as glorious as the happy ending for Bella and Edward was, I know that that feeling of euphoria pales so much in comparison to what we have, in real life, to look forward to. I live in hope and faith that one day, I will experience perfect love, perfect joy, perfect peace... knowing that Heaven will be greater than anything I've ever imagined... even greater than I could ever know to hope for.

Reflecting... 20 Years Ago

At church tonight, our minister encouraged us to think back to when we gave our lives to Christ. It's been a while since I've thought back to that time of my life, so I thought I'd indulge in a little reflecting and reminiscing.

I grew up going to church. I always believed that I would go to heaven because I went to church and was basically a good person. But really, I didn't give it much thought. Church was just something I did because my family went and that's what you did.

Then, when I was 15, my friend Rachel brought me along to a Student Venture meeting. They shared with us that none of us deserve to go to heaven--because, no matter how "good" we are, we can never measure up to perfection, and that's what the requirements are. And yeah, that was certainly true for me. Although I was basically a good kid, I did things, said things, and--most of all--thought things that weren't right, and I knew it. Thankfully, they also shared with us that Jesus paid that price for us by dying, and then beat death by rising again. He did it because He loves us, and all we have to do is accept the gift He's offering us.

And even though I hadn't been searching for Him, even though I hadn't realized there was something missing in my life prior to that moment, somehow my heart just opened up to that message, and right then and there I commited to live for Christ. I don't think I really knew what a momentous decision was at the time; I just knew that I wanted to respond to that kind of love.

As the next few weeks and months passed, I learned more about the decision I had made. That now I could have a relationship with Jesus. It had nothing to do with following rules or not being able to do certain things; it was about the God who created the universe, who loved me enough--to die for me, yes, but also to care about me and my little bitty life. That thought never fails to astonish me, and it's been 20 years.

Those who knew me then might remember a not-so-pleasant part of this change of my life--yes, I could be judgmental and legalistic. I am a rule-follower, and at 15, everything still looks black and white. As time wears on, I mature, and hopefully people who know me think of me as someone who loves Jesus and is trying to do my best to follow Him, rather than... well, rather than anything else, I guess!

But there were other changes. I have always struggled with self-worth, and because of that, was a shy, reserved person. (Ok, ok, somebody's going to call me on this--when I was comfortable, I could also be accused of being loud, but yes, I was still shy!) I walked around with this feeling in the pit of my stomach, that if people really knew me, they wouldn't like me. So I tried to be what everyone else wanted me to be. But as I grew in my relationship with Jesus, I felt that slowly start to chip away. No one would ever know me like He does, and yet He loves me more than I can imagine. I started to become more confident in who I was in Him.

Another change was a change of focus. Like most 15-year-olds, I was very self-centered. Looking at Jesus' example helped me to begin (this is definitely something I still struggle with) putting others' needs before my own. At that point, even getting my mind off my own problems and noticing that others had them was a big deal!

Almost all of the sins I've struggled with in my life are internal, so it's easy to create the illusion that I'm "good." But the truth is, I struggle just as much as someone with a more "outward" sin. As much as I allow Him to, by spending time in prayer and reflection and reading his Word, He helps me to become more like Him. And that's what I want. I want my life to be characterized by love, selflessness and generosity. Without Him, I am none of those things--especially selfless. I pray that this year will be at least one step closer to that.

More Changes

Wow. It's been a whole year since my first and only post. Well, let's pick up where I left off, eh?

At this time last year, I was praying for change in my life. I was hoping for a new job... that, or the opportunity to stay home with my boys. It has always been my dream and desire to stay home, but it hasn't been a possibility for us thus far.

As it turned out, God provided me with a new job, one where my whole focus is teaching kids to read. I love it. I truly do. My professional life is far more peaceful than it had been, and this job requires skills that are much more suited to me.

There's only one problem. I still am not home with my boys. I feel like I'm constantly running, running, running; not really doing any thing well. Life is going far too quickly, and I don't have time for the most important things.

So, with budget cut talks circling my new district, again I've been praying for God's guidance, and the possibility of staying home. Sometimes I just don't understand; I mean, why wouldn't God want me to stay at home with my kids? Isn't that what He would want? Especially if it's something I want?

And then, recently, a comment made to me regarding someone else's life really hit me: could this just be one of those things in life, where I don't get everything I want, no matter how good of a thing it is? The thorn in my side? For some reason, it was a huge revelation to me. Of course, I always knew it was a possibility that I wouldn't be able to stay home, but for some reason this seemed different.

I know women who are praying for a husband, couples who are desperately hoping to have children, those who are in need of healing, people who are unemployed... many issues more difficult that mine. God never promised us everything we ever wanted. He didn't promise happiness; he promised peace and joy, and a relationship with Him.

The truth is, I have no idea what's in store for my family and me. For now, I have a family whom I love, a schedule where I get to spend holidays and summers (mostly) with them, good friends, a job I enjoy, a steady paycheck, benefits, and retirement. Many things to be thankful for. I can't say my desire to stay home has changed, but I think that's ok. I will probably keep asking God for what I want--He knows I what I want anyway--but always knowing that, no matter His answer, He loves me and is giving me what He knows is best for me.

I will trust Him. He's always been faithful; why should I expect anything different in my life?